I’ve had a hard time writing lately.
Sometimes things pour out of me and other times, not so much. Right now I’m in a season of the latter. Feeling stuck. Maybe it’s just this season, the weird state of in-between, post-holidays yet not quite normal life. Or maybe it’s just this past year finally catching up with me. A much-needed exhale after holding my breath for far too long.
This has been a massive year of growth for me, and our family. In many ways, I’m just now beginning to decompress. The dust finally beginning to settle.
I don’t think while I was “in it”, I understood what was happening. How transformative and impactful these past 12 months would be on me. Day to day it just felt like small tiny changes, while in reality, those small individual shifts added up to a totally different life.
And I know I’m not alone in feeling this way.
This has been a huge year of change and growth, of transformation, for so many of us.
Which is why moments like this are so important. A moment to pause, reflect, and gain perspective and clarity. We are wonderful at analyzing our day-to-day struggles and triumphs but terrible at stepping back and seeing the forest from the trees.
This morning as I’m sitting here on our back patio in southern California I can feel the depth and breadth of the forest I find myself in. And for the first time in a year, am giving myself a moment to inhale its life-giving oxygen.
I know I haven’t yet processed all that transpired this year for me personally. And while I don’t have any major realizations (yet) about the year, I can say that undoubtedly this was my biggest year of personal growth.
A lot shifted for me this year. A lot of wonderful good came in, while a lot of old ….was let go. Including some old identities that needed to change. Old ways of doing things. Of being. A lot was shed for me this year.
And in the process, I wasn’t always as gentle to myself as I could have been. Spending far too much time this year than I’d like to admit questioning myself. Beating myself up. For not doing enough, achieving enough. Doing it better, smoother, calmer. Being more patient with the kids. Running another program. Being farther along on the book. All of it.
In hindsight, it seems silly. Almost embarrassing to even admit. But this year didn’t feel light and easy for me. And it wasn’t because of some outside circumstance. It was because of me. And this invisible weight I unnecessarily carried around with me this year.
I can be very good at giving others grace. but in 2022 I didn’t do a very good job of giving it to myself.
And it’s time that changed.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this year ahead. What I want? What my goals are, if any?
And for the first time, in I think ever, I don’t have any.
Which feels energetically really different for me.
I don’t feel the need this year to achieve anything. To create a new program. launch a podcast, grow a platform.
The undercurrent of hustle that used to be there has settled. And in its place, I’m craving only one thing.
To feel at ease. Content, happy and present. Right here in this moment.
Because it’s all going too fast.
All of it.
This life that I wished for. That I dreamed about.
Is here. Happening right now in front of my eyes.
And I don’t want to miss a damn minute.
I’ve wasted too much of my life not feeling enough. Waiting to feel content or deserving of happiness. Until I wrote that book, reached x number of women, got settled in a new house, lost the baby weight, made friends. You name it. The list goes on.
And I can’t do it anymore. I don’t want to spend my life living like that.
Where my inside peace, is tied to something on the outside.
I’m too old, too tired, and too wise for that game anymore.
This year, I simply want more peace. More JOY. More FUN.
I want to stop taking myself so damn seriously. And all of this so seriously.
And just simply ENJOY my life. The one happening right now…
I was looking at a picture of myself with the kids on Christmas day and it brought tears to my eyes. We were standing on the beach down the street from our house with the sun pouring down on us. I remember how relaxed we all felt. Nowhere to be, no responsibilities. No fancy clothes to wear. Just us, the salt air, and the warm sun.
And it hit me…
I remember when this, was what I wished for.
How for years I could have only dreamed of a holiday like that. So simple and so at ease.
And now, it was here. Happening right now. And somehow I was missing it because I was too busy stuck in my own damn head.
As I looked at that picture the next day, I silently vowed to myself….
May this be enough. May the searching be over. May I finally now give myself permission to enjoy this beautiful life I’ve created. May I be happy and at ease….now.
I’m so tired of being hard on myself. So tired of trying so damn hard. With all of it. The kids, family, my health, growing my business, fighting against my aging body. And I’m exhausted.
I have nothing left in my to prove anymore.
So instead this year, I’m just going to be.