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I’m not “anti-wellness”
But what I am, is anti the current wellness culture.
You know the one Iโm talking about. The online influencer convincing you that youโre not getting enough steps in or enough protein. The one thatโs constantly selling you a new supplement, diet, workout routine or a new weighted vest that God knows you donโt need. The one thatโs convinced you that if youโre not feeling โwell,โ that itโs somehow your fault. That youโre just not trying hard enough, manifesting enough or stepping into your feminine power enough. The one that has you, and all of us, on a never ending quest of self perfection and self optimization.
Yeah, that one. Thatโs what Iโm โanti.โ
Let me explain.
We have more โwellnessโ available to us than ever before. More wellness influencers, podcasts and books – and yet I donโt know one woman who is truly โwellโ.
Do you?
Honestly, do you? Because I donโt.
Every woman I know, from the women in my personal life to the women I work with online, are all struggling in some area of their lives. And itโs not out of a lack of effort, motivation or dedication. These women are showing up for themselves every damn day. Doing everything theyโve been told โ to be healthy, happy and well. From pursuing their passions, to being present mothers, to eating well and moving their bodies.
Yet, that ache is still there. That feeling of overwhelm, exhaustion and burnout is still present. Even you reading this now probably know this undercurrent of dis-ease all to well. Itโs subtle, but itโs there. Omnipresent.
And it always will be because current wellness culture is selling us a solution to a problem that isnโt there.
Women are not broken.
Itโs the systems weโre living in that are.
Using wellness to fix my brokenness
I hate the word journey. In fact itโs one of the wellness words that makes me cringe the most. So apologies in advance for the use of the word – but this is my quote unquote โjourneyโ into wellness.
10 years ago I hit a rock bottom. I was a young mother to four little kids and had no idea who I was or how to care for myself. I had no support or village and a partner who traveled all the time. I didnโt know who I was or what I needed, let alone how to take care of myself, all while living in a world full or pressure and expectations.
I was overwhelmed and exhausted. And not from being a young mother with three toddlers and a new born, but rather I was exhausted and burnt out from a lifetime of chasing what I was told would make me happy.
Only to be left with overwhelm, shame and a sense of unworthiness. A feeling deep within me that somehow this was all my fault. That the problem was me. If only I tried harder, got up earlier, and managed my time better – that I too could be one of the lucky ones. I could be like all the other women I saw online and at school pick-up. I could be โhappy.โ
It was then that I decided I needed to make changes. And I did. Slowly over the course of a decade I stopped drinking, committed to a daily meditation practice, cleaned up my diet, my exercise and my sleeping habits. I read every self help book under the sun, devoured every wellness and spiritual podcast I could find, and did everything I could to somehow become a different version of myself.
I wasnโt conscious of it at the time, but I think underneath it all I was trying to use โwellnessโ as another tool to fix my brokenness. I was so convinced by all the outside noise that the overwhelm I was feeling was โmy faultโ, that who I inherently was wasnโt enough, and I was determined to change that.
For the past decade Iโve been on a quest to find a way to live with ease, joy and peace – whether it was through yoga, meditation, sobriety. I did it all. I even moved my family of six across the country to California, to lead a โhealthierโ life, and I think subconsciously to prove to myself that somehow I was different. A shinier, healthier, more grounded version of me.
Itโs been almost a decade since I started that journey and what I can tell you now is that while meditation and sobriety, yoga and green juicing did do wonders for me, it wasnโt the whole picture and never got to the root of the problem.
It was like putting a bandaid on a gunshot wound. Did it help? Yes. But in many ways it felt like just the starting point.
I think what all of these practices did do for me though, was to clear the lens of my life so that I could finally see. I could see all the things that needed changing and addressing. All the conversations and conflicts I had been avoiding (both internally and externally). All the times I had abandoned my self and shut down my inner knowing. All the ways in which I had lost myself over the decades.
It was as if everything Iโve been doing was just getting me to this point – so that I could finally see, and the real work could begin.
It turns out that ten years ago it wasnโt me who needed changing
It was the systems I was living in that needed changing.
It was the fact that as a young mother I had no help. Whether it was simply because I didnโt ask for it, or I felt like I didnโt deserve it because I wasnโt quote unquote โworkingโ, either way, I was doing it all on my own with no village.
It was the fact that societal expectations were telling me to physically โbounce backโ, to stay youthful, vibrant, thin, and relative.
It was the fact that I had decades worth of conditioning of being the โgood girlโ. Of hosting the elaborate holidays and birthday parties. Smiling on cue. Being polite instead of honest. Being the good daughter, the good sister, the good friend.
It was the fact that I was in a marriage where I was the primary caretaker. I was the keeper of the family calendar, held the mental running list of groceries that needed shopping for or worn out shoes that needed replacing. I signed all the school forms, did camp registration and doctor check ups, with all four kids in tow. Because thatโs what a good wife and mother did.
I didnโt need a new morning routine, what I needed was help.
I didnโt need a new diet, what I needed was to be unburdened by old outdated Eurocentric standards of beauty.
I didnโt need a new way to meal plan or time block our familyโs calendar, what I needed was a partner to carry the mental load.
I could do all the things; green juice, meditate, quit drinking and practice yoga every damn day, but it still wasnโt going to change the systems I was living in.
Because anti-wellness or not, women are set up to fail.ย The cards always have been, and remain, stacked against us.
Women donโt need more โwellnessโ
What we need is liberation.
We need a world in which we are allowed to exist, exactly as we are. In bodies that grow and change and soften. In homes that are filled with support and love. In communities in which we are seen, included and valued. In a world in which we are all connected.
We need a deep collective exhale, and permission to stop. To set down all the hours of trying and perfecting and doing and to finally feel worthy of simply being.
That is what women need.
While I do believe that at one point the world of โwellnessโ was filled with the best of intentions, somewhere along the line itโs missed itโs mark. Instead of helping women, itโs become another commodified tool that creates a feeling of lack, shame and unworthies within all of us.
And itโs keeping women stuck in a viscous cycle of self optimization and self perfection. Instead of focusing our effort and attention on changing the systems and the worlds weโre living in – weโre too busy being focused on our pant size and protein intake. And then blaming ourselves that somehow itโs โour faultโ weโre not happy, healthy and well.
What can we do about it.
To be honest, we can do a lot about it. We donโt need to wait for the wellness industry, or even be “anti-wellness”, to change or the systems in our society to change in order for us to begin recognizing whatโs happening.
We can all begin today.
- For starters, we can learn to recognize when outside voices become too loud. You know the ones. Starting with social media, the news, your mother in law, and even that group of women at school pick-up. Anyone, anywhere you makes you feel anything less than, who leaves you questioning yourself. These voices and messages are everywhere. And while we canโt necessarily turn them off we can certainly learn to become more aware of them andย turn the volume down.
- We can start cultivating, listening to and trusting our own inner voice, our intuition.ย Turning the volume up louder. Creating a daily meditation or mindfulness practice that helps us hear our inner knowing and once again connect with our inner wisdom.
- We can practice radical self-love as an act of rebellion.ย And Iโm not talking about the hallmark type of self love where we bypass or ignore our true feelings. Iโm taking about deep, honest, radical self love. The one that starts first with deep self knowing and acceptance. Only when we can truly learn to see ourselves, can we begin to love our whole selves.
- We can practice showing up authentically,ย and being honest with the other women in our lives. Showing up online and in our real lives as the womenย we are, not the women we think weโre supposed to be. I truly believe the more authentically we can show up in our lives, the more permission we give others to do the same. We are all aching to take our guards down, even just a little. And sometimes you have to be the one to take the first step.
But above all, we can cultivate a deep sense of awareness. I talk about this all the time, but I truly believe that our personal and collective liberation begins with awareness. That momentary pause and space between a thought and how we react or respond. That is where we find our freedom. The moment we look in a mirror and pause before self critiquing. The moment we pause before we speak and apologize for taking up space or having an opinion. The moment we pause when entering the world to gather our confidence and strength to be fully seen as the women we are. That is where our freedom lies.
So in case youโre not sure yet, let me just remind you.
You are not broken.
The systems youโre living with in are.
Wellness as a catalyst for change
If I could go back in time 10 years ago what I wish I could do is scoop that young mother up off the floor who was having a panic attack with her four small babies, look her in the eyes and say, โitโs not your fault. You didnโt do anything wrong. The world is broken, but youโre not my sweet child. You, you are doing amazingโ.
So my job now is not to count my steps or the wrinkles on my forehead, but to count the amount of love, forgiveness and self compassion I offer to myself. Over and over and over. Until I have filled myself back up with with so much of my own loving kindness that I drown those outside voices out.
And then, look out into the world and see where I am needed. To become a catalyst of change to empower other women and fight for the marginalized communities who are being drown out. Because you and I can never be truly well, free and liberated and until we are ALL well, free and liberated.
Itโs no longer about you and me, itโs about us all. Wellness is not an individual task, but rather a collective mindset. One based in love, compassion and connection. That is the true wellness Iโm still searching for.
*As always, thank you for being here, for supporting my writing and my work. My hope is that everything I share here, online, orย on the podcastย inspires you in some way to continue exploring your own path to true wellbeing. If this resonated with you, or if you’re too feeling a little “anti-wellness” these days, I’d love to hear your thoughts.
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