Last weekend, we opened our retreat with a welcome circle, where I asked all of the women to reflect on, and share, why they were there. What brought them to the space, what they were looking for or hoping to gain.
I shared first,
and as the words came out, they took me by surprise at how raw and vulnerable they felt. How true they really resonated with me.
..Gathering women, purposefully, with the intention of having meaningful, real conversations is not only something I truly value right now but also something I feel called to do…
because in this season of my life I feel a little alone,
and I know there are many of you who are feeling the same.
Sharing this though, with all of the women last Friday afternoon, and with all of you now, so publicly, makes me really nervous. Wondering what people will think, how will these words be interpreted (or misinterpreted). But my intention with this platform has always been to share transparently, and I know that if I’ve been feeling this way, chances are, so are many of you.
Because whether we realize it or not (or we’re ready to admit it), we’re ALL hungry for deeper connections. We’re living in a world right now so physically connected at all times, and yet, so deeply unconnected. Unheard. Alone.
In my life, I’m always surrounded by people. Physically never alone. Sharing this home with JP and our four beautiful children. I have family and friends who love me, and then of course this incredible community here where I share my heart so openly. And yet, in many ways, I still feel alone. Espeically after this past year.
When you begin a journey of self-discovery or growth, no one really prepares you for how it disrupts your whole world.
When you change, everything in your world changes too. It has a ripple effect that’s unavoidable. And although a majority of this new “change” is for the better, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t come with a lot of pain and heartache. Growth isn’t always as smooth or beautiful as we see on the other side. Getting there is tough.
I’ve shared on here before that this has been a huge year of growth for me.
But what I haven’t shared is that it has equally been a year of loss.
Shedding a lot of things that I realized were no longer serving me. Habits, patterns, mindsets.
And the hardest of all, relationships.
I’ve lost a lot of people this year,
and it has been one of the most painful areas of personal growth for me. One that I can’t put into words right now in this space, as it’s still very raw and real for me. And I’m still learning how to process it, and let go of some of the guilt around it.
But what I can say is that by letting some of these relationships go, by not being afraid to be “alone” (which is a core fear for me), I’ve made space for new.
For relationships, conversations, and connections that feel more authentic for me. Relationships where I see myself reflected back. Where I feel seen and heard and safe. For who I am, and not who I was. And it gives me comfort that I’m in fact, not alone.
One of the things I heard a lot this year is “you’ve changed”.
And it’s true. I have. For the better or worse, I am different. I love this woman I’m learning to step into. That I’m becoming.
And I want that for all of us.
To love who we’re becoming.
To feel free to change, evolve, grow.
That’s what we’re put here on this earth to do. To help move our collective consciousness forward. So staying still and stagnant, the “same”, isn’t an option. And to be honest is what I believe to be the root of so much of our own personal suffering, trying so desperately to keep things the same.
I know from experience because for a long time I stayed “the same”. Holding onto things that weren’t working for me, out of fear. I was so afraid to hurt those around me. To stand up for myself. To say “no, that actually doesn’t work for me.” And in the process, betrayed only myself.
So I guess maybe this is my love letter to all the women out there who are brave enough to change. To let go of old identities and relationships Old jobs. Old habits. Old ways of doing things – because it’s really hard – and I know how scary and lonely it can feel at times.
You are allowed to change, evolve, grow. You are called to.
But it will come at a price.
You will feel pushback.
You will have to make choices. Some people in your life will not like or understand your path or your new identity. That’s ok.
It’s not for them to understand.
It’s for you.
And in turn, we may not always understand other people’s journeys (especially those close to us), and in those moments we’re called not to question, or try and understand, but to simply let them be. To provide space, support, and safety. To love them, unconditionally. Whether we understand or not.
As I think about what’s next for this space, or my purpose with this platform, I wonder if it’s just that. If it’s simply to provide a safe space for women to gather. To feel seen and heard and loved, unconditionally, as we bravely learn to give ourselves permission to evolve, individually, together.
Because we need that now more than ever.
We need examples of other women stepping out of old expectations, old identities, old ways of being – and say…
“yes, it is scary.
yes, you may feel alone right now.
and yes, it will not always feel good.
But I made it, and the view from up here is so freaking crystal clear and the air is so sweet. Take my hand as I pull you up with me. You are not alone.”