It’s been a while since we’ve had a good catch-up.
Life seems to be going a million miles an hour lately. Between raising four kids, trying to build this business, keeping up with our home, my marriage, our family. Life is FULL. And in many ways really wonderful, but it can also be a lot.
There seem to be more things in my heart that I want to do, than there are hours in the day. Including doing a better job of catching up with all of YOU.
But I just put a movie on for the kids (don’t judge – it’s spring break in the midwest and it’s snowing. ugh), made myself a matcha latte, put on some tunes, and am giving myself a little space to write.
So let’s catch up! Here’s a little slice of “life lately”. What’s been on my heart and mind. Not a brain dump, more of a soul dump. Super casual. No real plan. Just writing from the heart.
My hope is by sharing what’s on my mind, maybe it makes one or two of you feel a little less alone. And who knows, maybe if this feels good we’ll make it a weekly series.
So let’s jump in. Here’s what’s been on my mind lately…
I’ve been questioning a lot of things in my life lately.
How I got here.
What I want.
Where this is all going
What are we even doing with this thing called life? (yeah, I’m in that mode)
I know it sounds dramatic. But it’s the truth.
It’s not a middle-life crisis or anything like that. I think it’s just the gift of awareness that time is precious. That this, right now, is it. And I don’t want to have any regrets. I don’t want to look back and wish I would have done things differently. Lived differently. Prioritized differently.
So I’ve been questioning a lot of things lately. What I’m doing with the business. What I’m doing on social media (If I even want to be on social lately). And rethinking it all.
In particular how I spend my time, especially in regards to social media. I love connecting with so many of you, and I truly LOVE the wellness community we’re building together, but I don’t know that being attached to my phone all day every day is good for me. Or good for my kids. My family. It doesn’t feel sustainable for my mental health (for any of us, for a lot of reasons).
So it’s definitely on my heart these days to move as much of this community OFF of social media as I can, and create more ways for us to connect here on the blog, face to face, and even in person.
Unsure about what’s next
The start of this year felt really heavy for me when it came to work. I couldn’t get a clear picture of what I was being called to create/do. I felt really unsure (which is not like me). Not of myself or my capabilities, but of what I should be doing with this space, this community. I couldn’t see it.
Subconsciously, I think a part of me felt pressure to do something “bigger” because I had felt “success” last year, and my ego wanted to not just match that success, but I think a part of me felt pressure to surpass it.
I was afraid that maybe the growth and impact this community felt last year was a “one-hit wonder”, and in some ways, it paralyzed me.
I think we all feel this way at times (personally and professionally). When we reach a new plateau, for a moment we can breathe. We made it. We arrived.
But a breath later, we’re confronted with a new challenge. And all over again, we feel like we’re standing at the bottom of the hill. Because in many ways, that plateau is no longer the goal, but now the new base camp. And we have to start a new (harder) climb all over again.
I think I’ve been afraid of that next climb. And I’m sitting at base camp with no idea where to go. I hate admitting that. But it’s the truth. Growth is really hard. It’s not linear. It doesn’t come easy. And it’s scary as [email protected]#$ (for all of us).
Feeling a little sensitive
I love to act like I don’t care what people think. But I mean, come on. Let’s be honest. I’m super sensitive.
I recently received a message that I talk about my sobriety “too much” on here. I’m sure it was a well-meaning comment (i mean…maybe?). But we’re all human. Comments, even well-intended, affect us. (And ps, I hate the phrase “thick skin”. I don’t want thick skin. I’m pretty sure no one’s goal in life is to grow up with really “thick skin”). Long story short, it stuck with me. Do I talk about my sobriety too much?
This was just one of the many things over the past few weeks that put a little pit in my stomach.
I know in theory that I shouldn’t care about what other people think. And in many ways, I don’t. My inner knowing will always come first.
But these moments when I’m feeling sensitive, I notice I pull back. I hold my power in. My voice in. And I stay where I feel safe. My home. My family. This community.
I’m working on feeling “safe” in the outside world (it sounds ridiculous, I know). JP laughs whenever I say this (he loves to tease me about how I hibernate). A lot of what I feel sitting behind this keyboard, in meditation, or in our home with our kids – I’m trying to take with me to the outside world. My little coat of armor.
It’s a work in progress. I’m never not going to be sensitive. And I don’t want to be. Just working on how much I can “feel” at once and, what I expose myself to. Learning a I go.
Appreciating my sobriety
Speaking of my sobriety, it’s been on my mind a lot lately too. JP and I have been making some pretty big decisions for our family lately, and there are moments when it feels like a LOT. Old me, two years ago, would have finished some of our conversations with a glass (or two, or three) of rose. And to be honest, it makes me a little sad. That girl feels so foreign to me now.
I don’t have those vices anymore. So it’s just me. And my feelings (which we’ve clearly covered are sensitive…lol).
JP calls our sobriety our superpower. I don’t know. I call it my clarity. The good or bad of being sober is you have to deal with ALL your feelings. There’s nowhere to hide. So things become really clear, really fast. Not necessarily easy, but clear.
I think both J and I agree (and we talk about this, A LOT) that some of the decisions we’re making, some of the growth we’re feeling, or opportunities that are presenting themselves wouldn’t have happened to us had we not been sober.
I know those types of comments are triggering for some people – but it’s our reality. Our lived experience. Our life is richer when it’s clearer.
Feeling grateful for that decision I made on January 1st 2021, and every day since. It matters to me.
Leaning into motherhood, again
When I first started “grace in the crumbs” years ago, Frankie was just one. He was a little peanut and I felt “stuck” at home with babies everywhere.
I felt so overwhelmed, alone, and had completely lost my sense of self. I started blogging as a way to have something that was just “mine”. It was my way of controlling the chaos that was motherhood.
As the years went on, and I began to enjoy it more and more I leaned into this new identity. I felt empowered. Inspired. Happy.
5 years later, it’s funny how the tides have turned. That “trapped” feeling I once had is gone. And instead, it’s replaced by a pull of wanting to be there. Not wanting to miss anything.
I love my time blogging and working – but I’m equally LOVING my time home with the kids.
I don’t believe in “balance”. In fact, I hate when people use that term when it comes to motherhood because it puts this idea in our head that there’s this attainable goal we could magically find “if only” we had “balance”.
But it doesn’t exist. Instead, we just show up fully wherever we’re at and know that it’s ALWAYS changing. So there’s no point in getting too comfortable. The phase of life you’re in now (newborn to empty nesters) is just a moment. That’s all. A moment. And before you know it, it’s gone.
So for today, in this moment, I’m savoring motherhood. I know wholeheartedly these are the days I’m going to one day miss. And for once, I’m recognizing it before it’s too late.
There are so many other things too.
Big things like….. trying to navigate the world of phones with my oldest (he turned 13 this year as we JUST gave him a phone and it’s made me rethink a lot about technology and social media), Lill becoming a preteen. Trying to navigate JP working from the office more (he’s been home with me for almost 2 years).
And little things….. giving up coffee and becoming obsessed with green tea (here’s the morning tea I drink daily that I LOVE), healing some old diastasis recti issues with physical therapy (thank you for babies). To rethinking my evening and morning routines, to giving our bedroom a mini makeover. refresh.
Life seems to be so full with a million different things happening all at once. At times it can feel like I’m not managing any of it well, and on other days I feel like I’m the queen of the world. It’s a coin toss these days.
But either way, I’m here for it all and glad I get to share it with you.
Curious….should we do more of these? Relate to any of this? Tell me….