I took a “break”….and haven’t come back

I was planning on taking a week “off” from the podcast (and all social media). A quick little break to get settled after the school year. That was over a month ago. And to be honest, I’m not sure when I’m going back.

It wasn’t conscious. It was more of a logistical thing. I tend to shy away from this “excuse”, but the reality is, raising four young kids (without a babysitter or nanny) is a shit ton of work. And a situation I consciously chose and love.

However, as much as I genuinely love being home with my kids, there are only so many hours in a day. I pick up my youngest two from school around 1 pm more often than I’d like, and my other two seem to have more demands on them than ever (physically, socially, but especially emotionally).

Over the years, I’ve been able to make it all work—but I’d be lying if I didn’t say that it was a constant grind. Every week, it feels like I’m trying to solve the Tetris puzzle that is our calendar, finding a way to squeeze in time to “work”, manage our home, our four kids, and my own physical and mental sanity.

At the end of this school year, I hit my limit. It wasn’t a factor of not being productive, motivated, or using my time wisely. I had already optimized every moment of every day to the absolute max, but there just wasn’t enough of me to go around. I recognized that I had finally hit the point where I had to choose between missing deadlines (in this case, for the podcast), hiring significant help for my business, a nanny, or making some significant changes. What I was doing wasn’t sustainable.

The day after school let out, we had plans to head to Ohio for two weeks to visit family and friends. I had two podcast episodes due before we left (and more would be due when I returned). I had blocked time in my calendar weeks earlier to get it done, but one family “emergency” after another kept pushing it back. The emotional rollercoaster of graduations, end-of-the-year performances, packing, and the need to record two episodes all at the same time, made it clear it wasn’t going to happen.

For the most part, I can almost always find a way to make everything work. I live for a challenge—and thrive on turning the seemingly impossible into possible (which I’m starting to realize isn’t necessarily a good thing—more on that later). Much of my identity is built around being a woman who can do it all. And this spring, with motherhood and my work at their fullest, I had to face the fact that I couldn’t, in fact, “do it all”—at least not in a way that felt good right now.

The day before we left for Ohio I called my amazing producer in tears and said I needed a minute. To which she graciously responded, “Take as much time as you need —no one is going anywhere.” So I did the thing I swore I’d never do….I left things unfinished.

And instead, I packed up the kids (and JP, of course, too) and we flew to Ohio to see my parents. When we landed, I snuck into my dad’s office while the kids made breakfast with my mom a room away and recorded a new one-minute intro to the show, saying I was taking two weeks off and that I’d be back “soon.” I emailed my producer saying the new intro was ready, shut my laptop, opened my phone, and deleted Instagram.

A weight was lifted. I was taking a break. From everything.

Before I continue, I just want to pause and acknowledge something. For better or worse, my online business does not pay our mortgage or our kids’ future college tuition. I’ve been lucky enough to be “successful” with programs and retreats – meaning I’ve done well (some years better than others). But to make it truly successful financially (meaning I could support our family), would require me to scale and change a lot of how I operate. And that’s not a sacrifice, or risk, I’ve been willing to make (at least not yet).

I share all of that to say that taking a break from quote-unquote “working” isn’t necessarily affecting our family financially. The extra income I provide has been a wonderful (and many times helpful) contribution, but we aren’t dependent on it. I know that not every woman has that same privilege.

No longer carrying the load

I recognize that taking a pause from a podcast or deleting Instagram from my phone doesn’t sound like a big deal. I get that. And yet, this decision, and what I’m hoping I’m beginning to learn from it, feels anything but.

When I first decided I needed time off, I genuinely thought it would just be a week or two to catch my breath. I didn’t understand how much I needed it, or how much I had been carrying over the past few years (and really, the past decade). I had become so used to operating a certain way that I didn’t even realize how much I had been carrying.

The first week or so being home and “not working” was uncomfortable. I found myself, even in my downtime, wanting to be productive. Instead of recording episodes or planning a retreat, I was now just cleaning out closets or getting ahead of doctor’s appointments for the kids. Nothing had really changed – it was just what I was giving my attention to had shifted.

Even now, it’s hard for me to slow down and give myself permission to just exist, allowing the day to unfold leisurely without the urge to optimize or be productive. Maybe it’s the factor of being a mother to four, the hustle culture we’re embedded in, or just simply how women are wired. I don’t know. But what I do know is that this old pattern of mine has served me well for a long time, but I’m not sure it’s helping me anymore. And I’m open to learning a new way of existing in the world.

Asking different questions.

I’ve recently started therapy again (I’ve always been a big proponent of CBT, but haven’t been in therapy since we left Chicago over three years ago) and was sharing with my new therapist how uncomfortable, and almost guilty or behind I’ve felt this summer – even though I know logically that made no sense.

I’ve always been a woman with an unquenchable thirst to experience all of life. A seeker. I truly believe that is my genuine nature. And yet, I can also now see that maybe a part of that was a survival mechanism that’s no longer serving me.

So I’ve started asking myself new questions. When did this feeling of not being able to turn “off” begin? Can I remember back to the first time I felt that way? What would it feel like to quiet this part of me?

I have no real answers to any of this (at least not yet). So for now, my job this summer is to be curious with myself. Giving myself permission to slow down and then watch as my mind and ego try to fight me.

So far, I’ve taken more walks on the beach with Lill than ever before, made new recipes, read books, and watched TV in the middle of the day (while the sun was shining). My kids are taking baths at 9 pm in my bathroom while I lie on my bed and read (which I never used to allow). I’ve called my mom almost every day. I’ve ordered random photos to print and frame around our house (which, if you know me, you’d know what a big deal this is. I’ve always hated knick-knacks and frames). I cut off my hair, take baths in the middle of the day, and have discovered a new love for flea markets.

My mind still sneaks in there telling me to be productive, and at times I almost feel like I’m going to get in trouble (which makes me laugh even typing that).

I started the post by sharing how I’ve always identified myself as a woman who can “do it all”, how I thrive in chaos, and making the seemingly impossible possible. But I’ve started to ask myself, what would it feel like to create a new identity for myself? What would it feel like to thrive, not in chaos, but in peace?

I have so much more to say on this, but I’ll save that for next week. For now, just thank you for listening. If you are a woman who can relate to this, who can never truly turn “off”, you are not alone.