JP joins us on the podcast – how our partnership has evolved

I had JP on the podcast today (you can listen here). It wasn’t planned and, in fact, was very much impromptu. He was working from home last Friday. The kids were at school, and it was honestly the first time we’d been home alone in over a month (if not more). Between him traveling for work, my schedule, and on top of it, our four growing kiddos, life is full. I don’t want to say “busy”, mainly because I think the word is overused and makes it sound like we’re victims to our schedules, which we’re not. But it’s definitely full.

All to say, to find a moment of quiet in our home, with no one around us, is so rare these days for J and I, and where we found ourselves last Friday when I joked that we should use our rare moment together recording a podcast. To which he of course (being the good guy he is), agreed. So that’s where we found ourselves. The two of us having an impromptu conversation about partnership, how our individual evolutions have affected each other, and where we’re going from here (nothing says romance quite like recording a podcast together in your rare moments alone).

Partnerships and love are hard (no matter how your relationship is defined—marriage, dating, co-parenting, etc.). Then you add in kids, work, and the stresses of everyday life, and it’s a lot.

I’ve said this often on here and in a recent podcast — I don’t think marriage is the be-all and end-all that I used to believe. Over the past few years, I’ve begun to view marriage differently. I think it works and makes sense for many of us, until one day, it doesn’t. And it’s no one’s fault. Partnerships don’t end out of a lack of trying or effort.

I hate that in our society, those of us who are still married are considered the “lucky ones” as if somehow we did something different. When in reality, we’re all trying our hardest and putting in the same amount of effort. Some love stories are short chapters, and others are longer novels, but when and how each one ends is no one person’s fault or happens out of a lack of trying.

I think there is a lot of shame surrounding relationships and how they either evolve or die, and it’s not helping anyone.

Years ago, when our kids were younger and JP and I were struggling (as all marriages do in those years with young kids), I remember thinking that if anything happened to our relationship, I’d fall apart. And I think if I look at the woman I was then, I wasn’t off.

Years later, I don’t feel that same way. Don’t get me wrong—I love our relationship and I love him (very deeply), but I know within me that no matter what happens in this partnership, I’ll be okay, and I know he will be, too.

We’ve had many conversations over the past few years about the crossroads we’ve been at and what each of us needs, and to be honest, it’s felt really vulnerable at times—for him and for me. We both find ourselves at a time in our lives where we expect a lot from ourselves and from each other, and that if we both choose to be in this (which we both very much want), we have to be adding value to each other’s lives in a real, meaningful way.

I’m sharing all of this with you now to say that yes, JP and I have a strong foundation together, and I’m so grateful for the partnership we have today. But I also recognize how fragile love and relationships can be, and we aren’t untouchable. This is still work, and we can’t take it for granted.

I hope our love story has many more chapters to come, I genuinely do, and I see that for us. But no matter what, I hope that, ultimately, the real love story each of us has is with ourselves.

You can listen to our episode here

What’s Working

As I listened back on our conversation after recording last week, I started reflecting on some of the changes we’ve made to our partnership over the years. I know many of you reading this are in a similar season as JP and me—in a relationship that’s shifting and evolving—so I wanted to share a few things that I think are working for us and what I’ve witnessed over the past few years.

I am by no means an expert when it comes to relationships, but there are a few that have been really helpful for us as our partnership has evolved.

Sharing the mental load, equally

I think one of the hardest things for women in partnerships is carrying the invisible mental load of caretaking alone, whether that caretaking is for children, aging parents, or simply running a home. It’s not in our heads that we’re carrying more; we literally are. There is an enormous mental load placed on women and mothers, especially in today’s world. And while I believe our partners want to help and understand, unless they’re there carrying the load with us, it’s impossible.

Working to shift some of the mental load off my plate and onto JP’s has changed our dynamic a lot. I don’t know if this is good or bad, but a few years I asked him to take the mental load of two of our kids – I wanted him to know the doctors appts that needed to be scheduled, when “star of the week” was, and deadlines for summer camps—all of it. I needed mental space. And he did it. It was awkward and clumsy at first, and took some time for all of us to adjust, but it’s working.

For the first time, in a really long time, I finally felt like we were equals—true partners. I felt more supported, understood, and most importantly, seen. We could now truly share the weight.

How can I support you this week?

About a year ago, JP and I started sitting down every Sunday morning for a weekly calendar meeting (I know, super romantic). We’d review the week ahead, touch on the upcoming few weeks, and even the next few months. Most importantly, we started asking each other the simple question:” How can I support you this week?”

It’s such a simple question, but has helped us so much. It gives us a chance to ask for help that isn’t set up in a “problem-solving” dynamic but rather creates an environment of listening and support. Sometimes, the support I need is logistical, but most often, it’s just a listening ear where I share what I’m worried about, things I’m working on or excited about so that he knows where to check-in during the week, what questions to ask or be sensitive about. It allows us to support the other without guessing the other person’s needs.

Allowing Roles to Change

When JP and I were first married and our kids were young, I was the primary caregiver. He worked out of the home, and I stayed back and cared for everything related to the kids, meals, and our home. Our roles were really clear and defined.

Fast forward to today, and our lives look totally different. Things aren’t as black and white. JP and I are both 100% on when it comes to managing our home and kids, as well as our careers. And that transition was not easy or smooth, and to be honest we’re still trying to figure out how to juggle it all, understand roles and expectations and provide enough support/space for each other.

When I started blogging years ago, JP was always supportive. But that support didn’t come with any real changes in our home dynamics in order for me to pursue anything “full time”. It was looked at as a hobby. And in many ways, it was my own fault. I wasn’t making an “income” blogging when I first started, so I think subconsciously there was a part of me that didn’t believe I was worthy of more help around the home or with the kids (either hired or from J).

As the years went on and things started to grow and pick up for me, we tried to adjust, but to be honest, it never felt like enough support. I always felt like I was the one “asking” for the help, as if I just wasn’t juggling it all well enough. I’ll write more on this another day, but the short story is that we didn’t make the transition into me “working” smoothly, and we both learned a lot along the way.

I think one of the biggest things for me in our partnership is being seen as an equal, that we’re both carrying the load, and that we both have opportunities for growth outside of the home. I can’t say that we’re quite there yet, but what I can say is that we’re both open to the conversations and are trying – and that feels like progress.

At the end of the day, partnerships are tough. They are living, breathing things that are always evolving, and I don’t know anyone out there who gets it right or has all the answers.

As for JP and me, I have no idea how we got to where we are today. I joke with him all the time that I still haven’t decided if I’m going to marry him, to which he reminds me that we’re already are, with four kids. But what I do know is that I really like him, and I’m grateful to be in partnership with someone with whom I can have these conversations with. And most importantly, I’m excited for what’s to come.

*Thank you for reading this, for taking the time to share this space with me. If this spoke to you, or you have some sage words of wisdom or advice on partnership, we’d love to hear from you.