Let’s Talk About Money

I’ve never talked about money on here. I was raised in a generation where you didn’t talk about politics, religion, and most certainly not about money. It was something everyone secretly stressed or worried about, but no one openly discussed.

Fast forward to today, and it feels like not much has changed. Everywhere I look – online or in real life – it seems like everyone “has it” and, most importantly, is spending it (thank you, influencers). And yet, I have to believe the majority of us are still silently worrying.

Even writing this now, I feel a twinge of discomfort. It’s not a topic I often share. But as someone who’s working on becoming more conscious of the patterns and mindsets running through her life, my old stories around money feel like the final frontier.

My hope in sharing openly on this topic is not to help you craft a budget (although I’m working on bringing in some experts who might), but rather to help other women reading this feel a little less alone, as I know this is something many of us carry with worry/shame.

If this post resonates with you, or you have other feelings/experiences around money, I’d love to hear from you and make this into a series. So please don’t be shy. But for now, let’s take a deep breath and jump in….

Becoming aware of our patterns

I’ve shared openly on here how I got back into therapy this past spring. I never had any intention of having JP join me for any of my sessions, and to be honest, for the most part, we don’t discuss our marriage. But this past week, that changed – and JP joined me for a session to talk not necessarily about us, but about our finances.

Recently, we’ve been delving deeper into our finances (how we want to save for our kids, retirement, etc), and for the most part, they’ve been great conversations. But I would be lying if I said they were easy, or that we don’t have “feelings” around the topic. And at times, the conversations get cloudy, unsure whether we’re talking about “us” or our budget.

For better or worse, our feelings, stories, and patterns around money are so subconscious, and at times really hard for us to see – for even the most aware person. So, I wanted us to be able to discuss some of these things with someone who could potentially help us identify some of our blind spots a little better. After all, isn’t that what therapy is – holding a mirror up to yourself?

Money is so deeply intertwined in our stories.

Most of us don’t even realize it. How we grew up with money, whether we had it or didn’t, whether our parents were frugal or spenders, and whether they talked about money openly or were secretive about it – all of these factors affect us. It affects how we perceive money, how we accumulate it, spend it, and how it makes us feel about ourselves.

As JP and I have been exploring our individual relationships with money and how they impact us as a couple, I’ve started to realize how subconscious some of my old stories are.

I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been a “stay at home mom” for the past 16 years or I grew up in a household where my dad “ran the numbers” (what does that even mean?), But I think if I’m being honest, I’ve taken a really passive role in our family’s financial planning and in many ways have buried my head in the sand – and I’m not proud of it.

Becoming Aware of Mine

I often think about Lillian and what I want for her, and I think that out of anything, it’s to be entirely dependent in every way. Physically, emotionally, and financially.

Years ago, when I became a stay-at-home mom, I gave up a part of my independence, and I regret that. A part of me thinks that’s why I hustle as hard as I do now. To prove to myself that I have real value. That I’m intelligent and capable and could stand on my own two feet if I had to. Because I think deep down there’s a small part of me that believes that, because I don’t have a steady paycheck or pay the mortgage, I’m less than. That somehow JP is more valuable than I, smarter, more capable, and successful, and at times I’m jealous of him. The value he has.

Society doesn’t value stay-at-home moms. There is no number that tells you what you’ve earned after 18 years of homemaking and raising babies into good humans. It’s so cliché that it annoys me that I’ve fallen into the script.

And because of that, I think I’ve turned a blind eye when it comes to our financial planning. I’ve taken his value (and my lack thereof) to equate his responsibility. I’ve allowed it to all fall solely on him, when in reality it was just as much my responsibility.

The past few years, we’ve been working incredibly hard to bring me back into the fold when it comes to our finances – but old habits die hard, and I often find myself pulling back a lot, feeling “overwhelmed” or not capable. But we’re trying. I may not be able to share the weight when it comes to earning for our family (although I actually do want that very much), but I can share the weight when it comes to our planning and managing.

I want Lillian and our boys to see that managing and planning wealth has nothing to do with your earnings. That it’s something we are all responsible and capable of. That it doesn’t just fall on the man’s shoulders.

Allowing Our Values To Change

This part has been unexpectedly hard—especially as I age and watch our kids grow up. I realize now that I’ve held on to outdated visions of what I thought I’d provide as a mother: the house I pictured, family vacations I had dreamed of.

And in many ways, those things are happening. But in other ways, there are more limitations than I imagined. (Ah, the beauty of youthful naivety.)

Please know, as I write this, I’m very much aware of our privilege. We’ve made choices (like moving to a more expensive area) that have required sacrifices elsewhere. And it’s forced a much-needed reckoning. Asking ourselves, what do we actually value? A home? Experiences? Security?

And lately, with time and money both feeling like they’re running out – I’m learning to let go of some of the old stories around what I thought mattered to me as a mother.

One of the biggest is homeownership. For a variety of reasons, JP and I currently rent in California. And while on the surface I tell myself it doesn’t matter—deep down, I think it does.

I wanted to send Asher off to college from a home we owned. I wanted him to know his room would always be there. I just assumed that’s how it would be.

The truth? He couldn’t care less.

The issue isn’t him – or even the house. It’s me. It’s my attachment to an outdated story. And the slow permission I’m giving myself to rewrite it.

There is so much abundance around us, always. I’m still in the process of defining what truly matters to me in this season, but I know this: it’s not what it once was.

Opening The Door To What Comes Next

I think more than anything, what I’m coming to understand is that the real value with all of this is that it’s not about what we earn, save, or spend, but our ability to talk about it – without shame, guilt, or overwhelm.

We have just started these conversations. With JP and me. With or kids in our home. And hopefully here.

In Part II, I’ll share more about the shifts we’re trying to make, our monthly (and, as we strive to be, weekly) check-ins, and bring in some expert voices – both for the practical and emotional aspects of financial wellness.

If this resonates with you, I’d love to hear from you. I know this can be a difficult topic to talk about – but I’d love to hear your thoughts, questions, and experiences.

And as always, thank you for being here. It means more than you know.