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Being enough
Last night, JonPaul and I were out on a date in New York, when he casually asked me what at first I thought was a simple question; โWhat do you want?โ.ย And then he probed a little further, โwhat do you want with your life?”ย
I donโt know.ย I want what everyone wants.ย I want to be happy and healthy.ย I want our kids to be healthy and happy.ย I want to spend time with family and friends. ย Maybe go on a few family vacations.ย Eat some great food.ย ย Isnโt that what everyone wants?
And then, of course, he pushed harder.
โYes, thatโs what everyone wants. But more specifically, what else?ย What do you want, for you?ย What are you searching for?ย What do you really want?”
I paused for a moment because I hadnโt ever really thought of myself as โsearchingโ for something or wanting something more.ย But maybe he was right.
So I answered him with the first thing that came to mind, but something I donโt think I had every consciously thought of before last night.
I want to feel accomplished.ย Like Iโve done something.ย Created something.ย Achieved something.
Without hesitation, JonPaul immediately began to list all the ways in his mind I already have accomplishedโฆ
Giving birth to and raising four kids
Turning multiple houses into โhomesโ for our family
Starting a blog
And as he spoke, the thing that struck me the most was that as quickly as he could list all the ways he felt like I had accomplished something, I could just as quickly respond with why those โdidnโt countโ.ย Why those things really werenโt โaccomplishingโ or โachievingโ anything.ย
And then he finally asked me the question he had probably wanted to ask from the very beginningโฆ.
“When are you going to be enough? When are YOU, exactly as you are, going to be enough for you?”
And to be honest, I couldnโt answer him.ย Because I donโt know.
I hadnโt ever really realized that I looked at myself through that lens.ย Through the lens of not being โenoughโ, for me.ย That somehow I wasnโt living up to the unspoken contract I had created for myself.ย An agreement I didnโt even know I was entering. That as a woman and mother and friend and daughter โ all that Iโve done in those roles somehow isnโt โenoughโ by my standards.ย That Iโm not enough. ย And it made me sad.ย
I know consciously I have a truly beautiful life.ย ย Iโm so proud of the woman I am, and the life Iโve created for myself and my family.ย But deep down.ย Subconsciously.ย I think thereโs a part of me that feels like I should be doing โmoreโ or should have accomplished more by this time in my life.ย
I lay my head down on the pillow at night and instead of feeling proud and joyful of all the things I HAVE done; I see the lack.ย The things I didnโt do.ย The items still left on my โto-doโ list, both big and small. ย The dreams pushed aside, or passions never pursued.ย The chances I never took, relationships I never fostered, conversations I never had.ย All the ways in which I somehow let myself down or โwasnโt enoughโ. ย ย
And Iโm tired of feeling this way.ย Itโs exhausting.ย
I think as women, and especially as mothers, our identities and roles (in and out of our home) can feel so grey.ย So many blurred lines of who we are.ย We (or at least I) can get lost in motherhood.ย It can be so easy to let our identities and sense of accomplishment feel connected to our roles as mothers.ย That the never-ending pile of laundry or never-ending needs of our children somehow correlates to how much weโve done or accomplished.ย As if what weโve accomplished within the four walls of our home equates to our self-worth.ย
And I know thatโs not the truth.ย So much of what Iโve accomplished in my life I know cannot be measured or even seen.ย Consciously I know that.ย But I think changing that subconscious narrative is going to take a little more work.ย
Iโm not sure how to change that.ย I donโt have the answer today, and itโs for sure too big of a question for me to answer on this short trip to NY.ย But I know I need to make a change.
I need to stop comparing myself to others.ย To stop comparing myself to the wildly unrealistic expectations I set for myself.ย And instead, see myself through a lens of abundance.ย To feel proud and accomplished โ exactly as I am, right now.ย Career or no career.ย Kids who are a hot mess or huge success.ย A home that is unfinished or magazine worthy.ย To give myself grace and patience and compassion knowing that I am not my accomplishments.ย I am not my “to-do” lists.ย And that I am enough, right now, exactly as I am.
LEAVE A COMMENT & RATE
This is such a beautiful article! Just after stumbling on your instagram and spending a few minutes on your blog I think I just became a loyal fan! ๐ You are sending the same kind of message I want to send to women. I hope one day I can impact as many as you and present my message in such a beautiful and professional way. If you have an email list, add me to it!
Oh, thank you, Morgan. That means so much. So glad you stumbled across my blog – and so happy to have you here. xoxo
Beautiful, Katy. So many women feel like this so know you are not alone. In my retirement I have found so much freedom in being enough for me. I have started providing retreats for women who are looking to rediscover passion in their lives. Please take a look at my webpage, http://www.stretcjongforwardspirit.com. Would love to pm you and discuss more. You are doing a beautiful job. I enjoy reading your blog.